I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize