U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
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