she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
