Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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