one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
