i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
