I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
