I hate your face
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
