I like to think it a success when the cops are called
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize