Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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