I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
