I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
