Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
