...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
