I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
