Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
