I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
