I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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