my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
