i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
