Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
