i just had sex bonerless
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
