I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
