I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
