does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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