We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
