oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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