I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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