so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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