i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
They have beer where we have blood.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
