I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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