I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
