I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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