I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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