I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
