the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
