don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
