Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
