Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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