The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
