tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
