I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
