You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
