Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
