i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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