ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
