My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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