when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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