shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize