a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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