whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
