I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
