Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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