I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
