wakey wakey hands off snakey
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
