Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize