Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
